A poem within a poem....aka a hot mess

I want to shout, scream utter words with meaning
issue sentences with metaphors,
clever tiddies with a morale
use my words to wound or to heal

Yet i open my mouth and....


silence
My pen falls from my hand
my mind turns blank
i sit and stare, trying to say it this way and that
trying to figure why can't i do that?

sigh.....i try...again
My heart yearns to speak
speak of breaks, quick fixes, patches
explain why on this day it chose to love
and then that day hate
my heart wants to be heard
it wants to say
how each new experience was a effort of hope
that ended as a lesson in pain
my heart wants to know
what it did so bad
that when it's given
it's often returned, broken, beaten and sad

My pen falls from the paper
tears flow from my eyes
i long to crumple this betrayal
and don my disguise
bury the feelings
move on seemingly unscathed
to avoid the seemingly sympathetic comments
and the pitiful stares

Sigh....poor little heart, carrying such a heavy load
maybe one day you'll be justified
don't lose hope.....

I wake up alone

Once again I find myself unable to explain what I'm feeling, curled up on the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Once again, I know not why I cry.

Maybe I'm defective..too many years of holding it all in, being tough maybe it's all taken it's toll... Like Mohammed took too many punches to the head..I've taken too many hits to the heart.

Maybe I think too much..I should just let things just happen after all life is just a series of random events...right?

**sigh**

Yet another post I don't know where I'm going, just more emotional ramblings.